


A Sudden Memory

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Grief/Mourning, John dies and that's all that this is centered around, Let's just pretend that this never happened, Short and depressing, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 12:13:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14401920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alex couldn't remember what had been persuading him to breathe in the first place.





	A Sudden Memory

Alexander had always been left in the dark. Sat through every bit of pain with a wincing smile, shrugging off attention and comfort, because, as he said, "I'm fine, I'll get over it in a minute. It's normal, I'm fine."

Recently, though, his thoughts had been static. Every day was like staring into a point darkness that he couldn't control, progressively getting darker, to the point when he had no choice but to listen to his thoughts.

_In._

Because-  _Oh God-_  he was gone.

_Out._

He had been the only one to listen to Alex's silent pleas that were hidden behind every short, croaky " _I'm fine"_ s. He sat next to Alex and wouldn't let him push away his tears, wouldn't let him forget himself and plunge headfirst into the darkness that he was usually so accustomed to.  _His John._

_In._

So now, here Alexander was, reflecting pathetically.

_Out._

Memories like when John stared at him with that beautiful expression for the first time, reaching out his hand. He had accidentally tripped on John's bag on his first day of college, directly after being introduced to his history class. 

Like when John had decided to take time out of his day to accompany Alex to every class he could, causing the boys to gradually grow closer. John stopped spending time with his older friends, reassuring him that  _it was fine,_ but Alex had played that game before and wasn't going to on let John start.

_In._

Memories like the graduation ceremony, when Alex had been hanging out with John's friends as a group for a few months. John had turned around sharply once all of their friends had gone to a table to get some of the various snacks, and asked in a soft, nervous voice, "Move in with me?"

_Out._

Memories like when they went to the Schuyler's house for New Year's and John had looked at him as it just turned midnight, and then suddenly, a pair of soft lips, gently touching Alexander's.

_In._

Alex's mind flooded, and then completely overflowed. His face felt wet.  _Tears._

_Out._

Then, a sudden memory flitted through his brain.

A gunshot cracking through the silent air of their apartment. He had just leapt through the door in time to see John looked at him, startled, gun pointed to his temple as he went limp, taking his last breath. A note, fallen from his previously crossed fingers.

_**Alexander, I love you. You can do so much better than me. I'm sorry.** _

_**Ever Yours, John Laurens.** _

_In._

How could he stop the phrases that had been permanently engraved in his mind for the past week?

_Out._

Alexander looked towards the ground- toward the metallic gun that had been in His John's hand days before.  _But it felt like a lifetime ago._

Alex couldn't remember what had been persuading him to breathe in the first place.

_In. Out._

* * *

 It had been five years since he had seen John being put into the ground, and Alex now remembered looking at that gun through just a faded memory.

He now could remember memories like proposing to Eliza under the tree that they had sat by on the first date, seeing Philip's first steps and hearing him say "Dada" for the first time.

He loved Eliza with all his heart. He was happy now.

 _But he would always keep the memories of His John in the back of his mind_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I just found out that my uncle might be passing, and I feel guilty because I barely spoke to him the last time he visited. So I might not post anything for awhile.
> 
> As you can see, I couldn't write through the suicide parts and they were really quick. Forgive me, but I just couldn't.


End file.
